Dreaming of you...

I had a dream last night where I was talking to a man.  I think we were dating, not really sure.  It was intuitively clear that he was about to move into my house.  That’s why I presume we were dating, lol.  But dreams are symbolic, ya know.  What I am sure of is that he was 32 (he said so) and was telling me how big of a deal it was that he had come to the conclusion that he was ready for a committed monogamous relationship, how it was such a major decision for him and how proud of himself he was for making this discovery.

I tried not to laugh and ask him what flavor of cookie he wanted, but I remember asking him to imagine how I felt having known and been ready for 36 years!! I even shared how I had gone through the arduous journey of determining that I WANTED to be married in spite of and/or not because I had been socialized to want to be married, that this was in fact my CHOICE. 

I woke up realizing a few things…

1)   I am resentful of my (imaginary and/or real) future partner because he’s not ready.  I resent that saying, “A man decides to be married, then finds a woman.”  I resent that he’s had his WHOLE life to figure out whether he wanted to be married or not because (heterosexual) men are given the privilege (amongst many many others) to come to the decision to marry.  I, on the other hand, have to fight through the fields of socialization and question my desire against modern notions of womanhood and STILL come out on the other side feeling slightly guilty that I do in fact value and desire permanent, long-term, committed monogamous relationship with a like-minded, equally yoked (whatever that means), but sometimes negotiably traditional heterosexual (because you really do need to clarify these days) man! UGH! I’m jealous that it appears he didn’t have to think so much (or so long) about this and yet I had/have to wait for him to come to his senses!

2)   I hate it when people make other people’s things/sharing about them.  Man, that ego is something else.  He wasn’t done with his sentence before I was like, well I’ve had it harder! I HATE it when people do that me! I hate it when I do that to people.  It’s narcissistic and annoying.  Why do people compare and compete for suffering brownie points?! Why can’t people just listen and say, “I hear you.”  That’s all we really want anyway, is for someone to hear us.  If the new age gurus are right, (and I think they are) we all have within us what we need to answer our heart’s desires and questions anyway so sometimes the unsolicited advice and/or comments are best left inside the listener’s head.  Two ears, one mouth.  I think God had a plan with that design!

3)   Or really 2B, lol.  I am grateful to be blessed with people who love and care about me and just want me to be happy.  But I got this.  By this I mean this whole life thing.  If I tell you I’m in a funk, the best support you can give is a hug or an empathetic, “I hear you.”  That’s all I want/need anyway.  Advice, though it may be well-intentioned, usually right, even helpful, can feel like judgment and condemnation and misunderstanding to the sharer.  So, please be mindful the next time someone shares something they are going through with you.  It might be awkward (at first) but ask them if they want advice or if they just want you to listen.  I promise you they will know you are really listening.