An Open Letter Still Unanswered

About four years ago, I wrote an open letter to "the next love of my life, whoever you are..."(see below) and to date it has yet to be answered. I think I'm supposed to be in a panic about that by now, seeing as how my biological clock is ticking and all. But strangely, I'm not. At least not today, lol.

One of my favorite gurus, Iyanla Vanzant, said in one of my favorite books (In The Meantime),"You will also be there [the meantime] for as long as it takes, not only for you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready. In other words, you may be ready, but your divine mate may not be ready. You may be healed of your insecurities, but your perfect partner may not be quite healed yet. You may have done all the forgiving you need to do, but the person you are waiting for may not have even begun to do forgiving and releasing work. Consequently, you will be in the meantime until the divine person you are preparing for is also prepared and ready for you. Do not be dismayed! This is a good thing! The meantime is protective as well as preparatory."

I must admit, when I first read this about five years ago, I thought, "Aw heckie naw! You mean to tell me that after ALL I'm doing/have done to heal and prepare, I still gotta wait cuz Mr. Right ain't got his ish togeva! WTF?!"

And now, five years later, as I have completed my doctorate and am beginning my career, naturally, I'm thinking about checking those other major things off my earthly "to do" list (e.g. G.R.A.C.E., marry a mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially healthy individual hopefully of the African American strictly heterosexual persuasion, have 5 or less but more than 2 children, build a and/or many comprehensive community schools with a residential component, retire on an organic farm in Arkansas or Louisiana, etc). And so while waiting for Mr. Dr. Lee ( You know I name everything and so until he manifests with his own dam name, he's MDL for now, lol) seems like it would send me over the edge, I know that waiting for him is all I really can do. And according to Iyanla (lol!), I can rest assured that I will be protected as I continue to prepare for "him" and "us."

Don't get it twisted though. This zen like patience is sometimes taken over by an "F' THIS!!!! I'm going to the nunnery!!!" pity party about once or twice a month. And if I'm really honest with myself, I wonder how long I'll be patient before I start taking matters into my own hands and start hittin up my ICE (In Case of Emergency) list. My ICE list consists of a few well-to-do brothas I am fortunate enough to call homies who I would love to have as baby daddies but not necessarily husbands. Strange, but true. I love my ICE dudes, but know them well enough to know "we" wouldn't work out.

But for now I'm still holding out for the whole enchilada. And for now, the open letter I wrote four years ago still stands...

Hey Love!

Like my favorite Sonia Sanchez haiku, "I await your touch, come magnify our smell, make of us a long journey." Baby, where are you at?! Sheesh! It's getting more and more difficult to be patient because I don't think I've ever been more ready for us than I am right now.

I'm ready to nurture and fight for our relationship using all the lessons I've learned from my (and your) past relationships. I'm ready to channel the pain I've survived into the success of our union. I'm ready to quit frontin' like these random acts of kindness and sexual independence are truly fulfilling. I'm ready to be vulnerable again in the hopes of building the trust, loyalty and honest communication that will sustain us for as long as we are together (which is forever, for now anyway…lol!). I'm ready to be your one and only supafreak. I'm ready to cut the bullshit and the games. I'm ready to negotiate all of that contemporary shit (i.e. re-evaluate gender roles, both of us doin our professional thang, etc.) as we figure out how much of that old fashion type love we want to keep in the mix (i.e. u mow the lawn & take out the garbage while I spend your money…lol…just kidding!)

I'm ready to let you into my heart, for real this time. I'm ready to let you see me as I really am, not perfect but always growing, learning, loving and determined to save as many Black babies as I can. Don't get me wrong, I AM the shiznit, but I'm ready to show you that I realize that I don't have to be everything to everybody all the time. I'm ready to admit that I can and do get weak and tired and frustrated and that I will need to lean on you when times get rough.

I'm ready to let you be a man and support you as you hold yourself accountable to the high standards of maturity, responsibility, humility, ambition and drive from which your rich life experiences have taught you. I am ready to be your refuge from this seemingly overwhelming anti-us world. I am ready to hold you up when this white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy attempts to beat you down.

And now that you know I'm ready, I need to know if you're ready.

Are you? Are you ready baby? Are you ready for us?

Some time ago, I wrote you this for you:

I'm not that stubborn.

You forget that…

I believe in love.

I'll always believe in love.

I'll always believe in you…

whoever you are…

wherever you are…

whenever you are…

however you are…

forever you are…

mine.

This poem hangs on my wall waiting for you to claim it, me, us, and our future.

See you soon!

I love you!

~Marini

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating You...

Recently, a good (as in “sistahomegirlroaddawg”) friend shared “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating an Uppity Black Woman,” by Phillis Remastered. Identifying with much, though not all of Ms. Remastered’s reclamation of the term “uppity” and the so-called (and very real) dating woes of upwardly mobile, well educated Black women, I found The Guide to be insightful as well as HILARIOUS!!! For example, # 7 is my FAVORITE: “An Uppity Sister does not share a man. Enough said.” No long paragraph. That’s it. That’s all. I shared crayons when I was in Kindergarten and I consciously try to be as generous as I can be with my time, energy and money, but I be DAMNED if I’ma share a man!!!

Anyhoo, a critique I encountered from a friend of the male persuasion was that he didn’t appreciate the sista being uppity enough to tell someone how to date her. In fact, his gmail chat comment was, “see i really don't have a problem with women being uppity per say… i have a problem with women saying this is wut u gotta do to get one of us, u mean i gotta do something other than be intelligent, love God, and be confident in myself, cause if i do then its too much.”

I feel you, my lil brotha, to a certain extent. First, I think you read The Guide literally and it wasn’t intended to be read that way. But an author cannot control such things. So in response to your beef with Ms. Remastered, in my opinion, No, you shouldn’t have to be anything other than intelligent, love God, and be confident in yourself. However, I think you missed a(nother) key point. In the beginning of the blog, she defined who she was (very eloquently, I might add). And so, if that’s not the kind, and I mean the EXACT kind of woman you want to pursue (and from my interpretation of the blog, that kind of uppity sista requires some form of pursuit if you wanna be her man), then she wasn’t talking to you.

But I do think it's a good exercise for folks to articulate who they are as a (dating) person and reflect upon their expectations for a relationship. So, for shitz and giggles (and personal/collective insight), what are the top three things (literally or figuratively) that are included in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating You?...Not sistas/brothas like you...YOU, specifically, YOU!

Oh, alright, I’ll start…

#1 Integrity. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Do the right thing, most of the time. And when you don’t, be man enough to say, “My bad. I’ll do better next time.” Be honest. With me and yourself.

#2 Humor. I truly believe that laughter is food for the soul. Life is too short not to smile and laugh at the tomfoolery that is prevalent amongst us. And one of the sexiest sounds to me in DA WHOLE WIDE WORLD is the sound of a man laughing. And if I made him laugh, LAWDHAMERCY!!! So, if you ain’t into laughing, then we ain’t gon make it boo, lol!

# 3 Support (without me having to ask). Leadership can be quite lonely! I have accepted that I am destined for and have been endowed to do great things. I need/require someone who can handle my shine and fan the flame when I’m feeling weary. If that means checkin me when I forget to count my blessings, then he needs to be able to do that with tenderness and respect so it doesn’t come across as condescension. If that means holding me at night while I cry because there is a kid I am just not able to save, then he needs to be able to do that too.

Your turn...

Introducing....G.R.A.C.E.

grace

--a noun

1.

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2.

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

3.

favor or good will.

4.

a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.

5.

mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.

6.

favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

7.

an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.

8.

Theology .

a.

the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

b.

the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

c.

a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.

d.

Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.

9.

moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

10.

a short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.

11.

( usually initial capital letter ) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually prec. by your, his, etc.).

12.

Graces, Classical Mythology . the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.

13.

Music . grace note.

–verb (used with object)

14.

to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.

15.

to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.

What is G.R.A.C.E. ? Fundamentally, this blog/forum is a venue to think about and exchange ideas about Black heterosexual relationships, romantic mostly, but at times we’ll also get into, familial, platonic, & collegial relationships. Black, cuz I am, and heterosexual for the same reason. And I don’t feel like explaining that any further so I’m not going to, lol!

What I will elaborate on is that this is primarily for folks who are interested in talking about committed relationships!!! If you want to be a playa for life, that’s all good, but don’t be posted ish on my blog about how marriage is legalized prostitution just because it ain’t for you!!! If you plan to be single forever, more power to you!! But I don’t and this is my blog, so again, don’t be hatin’ on the institution I still believe in and value highly enough to devote a daggone blog to figuring how to prepare for one that won’t be dysfunctional!!! K?!! Moving right along…

As I think about my intentions and hopes for this blog and forum, I think the definition of grace from which this site will operate, aligns most closely with those offered by theologians: unmerited favor, mercy, the spirit of God operating in our human lives, a request for blessing and thanksgiving. I intend for this to be a place to ultimately celebrate and affirm the strength that black heterosexual relationships have sustained despite and in spite of our people’s troubled history (and present) in this country. I realize that we all come to the table with different ideas and experiences, so my hope is also for this to be a place of understanding, even if we don’t agree. I want this to be a place to seek and share insights, not to point fingers and/or attempt to figure out once and for all what’s “wrong” with women and men.

Why “grace” though? Well, anyone who knows me, knows that I name everything. And so, yes, I’ve already picked out a few names for the kids I intend to have. One, I know for sure, will be Grace. For now, Grace is a metaphor for all my hopes, dreams, wishes and intentions for my children, biological and otherwise. She is the child I have in mind when I am thinking of lessons to teach teachers how to create nurturing and emancipatory classrooms, especially for kids from urban areas. Grace is the child I’m planning to build a comprehensive community school for. She is the child I will one day be entrusted by God to nurture as my little (but significant) contribution to the human experiment.

So what does “Getting Ready for Affirmative Committed Emotional-peership” (had to hyphenate or it’d be, as Kyla aptly pointed out, GRACEP, and that’s just not as catchy and wrecks the whole flow like this long ass parenthetical qualifier)mean? Well, in my mind, in order for all of the aforementioned manifestations of “Grace” to come to fruition in my life, I got some soul searching and soul preparing to do. And, in part, that is what this is, well at least the blog part. So, I’ll begin each forum by sharing what I’m thinking about, working on, etc. My goal is to own my feelings, thoughts and actions and refrain from fingerpointing and overgeneralizing or asking “Why do all brothas..?” And I encourage you to do the same in your comments. This isn’t a pity party or even a “Why are you STILL single?” type of thing. It’s exactly what it says…getting ready for affirmative committed emotional-peership.

One other thing...this isn't just a a forum for, as Chris Rock calls us, the "single & LONELY," (LOL), I would LOVE for folks in HEALTHY committed relationships to chime in and give insights on what is working/has worked for them. K?

So, here we go…