An Open Letter Still Unanswered

About four years ago, I wrote an open letter to "the next love of my life, whoever you are..."(see below) and to date it has yet to be answered. I think I'm supposed to be in a panic about that by now, seeing as how my biological clock is ticking and all. But strangely, I'm not. At least not today, lol.

One of my favorite gurus, Iyanla Vanzant, said in one of my favorite books (In The Meantime),"You will also be there [the meantime] for as long as it takes, not only for you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready. In other words, you may be ready, but your divine mate may not be ready. You may be healed of your insecurities, but your perfect partner may not be quite healed yet. You may have done all the forgiving you need to do, but the person you are waiting for may not have even begun to do forgiving and releasing work. Consequently, you will be in the meantime until the divine person you are preparing for is also prepared and ready for you. Do not be dismayed! This is a good thing! The meantime is protective as well as preparatory."

I must admit, when I first read this about five years ago, I thought, "Aw heckie naw! You mean to tell me that after ALL I'm doing/have done to heal and prepare, I still gotta wait cuz Mr. Right ain't got his ish togeva! WTF?!"

And now, five years later, as I have completed my doctorate and am beginning my career, naturally, I'm thinking about checking those other major things off my earthly "to do" list (e.g. G.R.A.C.E., marry a mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially healthy individual hopefully of the African American strictly heterosexual persuasion, have 5 or less but more than 2 children, build a and/or many comprehensive community schools with a residential component, retire on an organic farm in Arkansas or Louisiana, etc). And so while waiting for Mr. Dr. Lee ( You know I name everything and so until he manifests with his own dam name, he's MDL for now, lol) seems like it would send me over the edge, I know that waiting for him is all I really can do. And according to Iyanla (lol!), I can rest assured that I will be protected as I continue to prepare for "him" and "us."

Don't get it twisted though. This zen like patience is sometimes taken over by an "F' THIS!!!! I'm going to the nunnery!!!" pity party about once or twice a month. And if I'm really honest with myself, I wonder how long I'll be patient before I start taking matters into my own hands and start hittin up my ICE (In Case of Emergency) list. My ICE list consists of a few well-to-do brothas I am fortunate enough to call homies who I would love to have as baby daddies but not necessarily husbands. Strange, but true. I love my ICE dudes, but know them well enough to know "we" wouldn't work out.

But for now I'm still holding out for the whole enchilada. And for now, the open letter I wrote four years ago still stands...

Hey Love!

Like my favorite Sonia Sanchez haiku, "I await your touch, come magnify our smell, make of us a long journey." Baby, where are you at?! Sheesh! It's getting more and more difficult to be patient because I don't think I've ever been more ready for us than I am right now.

I'm ready to nurture and fight for our relationship using all the lessons I've learned from my (and your) past relationships. I'm ready to channel the pain I've survived into the success of our union. I'm ready to quit frontin' like these random acts of kindness and sexual independence are truly fulfilling. I'm ready to be vulnerable again in the hopes of building the trust, loyalty and honest communication that will sustain us for as long as we are together (which is forever, for now anyway…lol!). I'm ready to be your one and only supafreak. I'm ready to cut the bullshit and the games. I'm ready to negotiate all of that contemporary shit (i.e. re-evaluate gender roles, both of us doin our professional thang, etc.) as we figure out how much of that old fashion type love we want to keep in the mix (i.e. u mow the lawn & take out the garbage while I spend your money…lol…just kidding!)

I'm ready to let you into my heart, for real this time. I'm ready to let you see me as I really am, not perfect but always growing, learning, loving and determined to save as many Black babies as I can. Don't get me wrong, I AM the shiznit, but I'm ready to show you that I realize that I don't have to be everything to everybody all the time. I'm ready to admit that I can and do get weak and tired and frustrated and that I will need to lean on you when times get rough.

I'm ready to let you be a man and support you as you hold yourself accountable to the high standards of maturity, responsibility, humility, ambition and drive from which your rich life experiences have taught you. I am ready to be your refuge from this seemingly overwhelming anti-us world. I am ready to hold you up when this white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy attempts to beat you down.

And now that you know I'm ready, I need to know if you're ready.

Are you? Are you ready baby? Are you ready for us?

Some time ago, I wrote you this for you:

I'm not that stubborn.

You forget that…

I believe in love.

I'll always believe in love.

I'll always believe in you…

whoever you are…

wherever you are…

whenever you are…

however you are…

forever you are…

mine.

This poem hangs on my wall waiting for you to claim it, me, us, and our future.

See you soon!

I love you!

~Marini