“How To Be Single” by Liz Tuccillo is a really good book. It is NOT a self help book. It’s more like a literary spoof of Beyonce’s Single Ladies. When I read it, I could not stop laughing! But it also made me think about a very simple yet profound idea: being single means different things to different people.
At times, I felt that some of the characters in the book thought of their singlehood as a plague, a disease to be treated with obsessive, erratic and desperate behavior. Others treated it as an adventure, an opportunity to learn about themselves and what they did and did not want in a relationship. And in witnessing, and identifying with, and cracking up at the fictional misadventures of the women in the book, I discovered some things about my own approach to being single.
I can admit that, at times, I too treat(ed) my singlehood like a disease to be cured by everlasting love and companionship. I have flinched (and cried) at the statistics that say that I am unlikely to find a partner that is equally yoked and equally pigmented (LOL!). I too have joined my grandmother in praying for “him” to come along…
On the other hand, (thankfully the hand that has the upper hand most days, nowadays), I think of my singlehood as something kinda cool and special. In many ways, I view singlehood like grad school. Now I was already a skilled teacher when I entered grad school, but I went to learn to be a better teacher, to be a teacher educator. And so, for me, grad school was an intense time of learning and preparation. It was, at times painfully tortuous and tedious and socially BLAH!! But it was also a sheltered experience where I was safe to learn to appreciate the process of becoming and at times A LOT of FUN!!! Similarly, I see my singlehood as a sheltered time of learning and preparation and fun. I was/am already skilled at this here life thing and in relationships (romantic & otherwise) but I think I have some (more) growing to do in order to be the kind of woman, wife and mother I want to be. And in a future blog, I’ll discuss what I mean by that, but for the purposes of this entry, suffice it to say, I’m not talking about some Leave it to Beaver ish! I’m trying to be on that Michelle Obama, Clare Huxtable, Jada Pinkett Smith, Ruby Dee type ish, but like I said, that’s another blog…
But the point I think I was making, (lol!) was that I think “how” we are single has a significant impact on “how” we will (or do) function in a committed relationship. I think if you’re dysfunctional as a single person, you’re going to be dysfunctional in a relationship. If you a responsible single person who behaves with integrity, then I believe you are highly likely to function this way in a relationship. And so I’ve been thinking about what are the ways in which I am “right now” that are and are not helpful to my G.R.A.C.E. journey. Some of the ways I am single are internal, some are external. I’ll share two in detail and bullet some others.
Remembering Who I Am (Internal)
One day recently (hey I said I ain’t trippin MOST days, not ALL) I was lamenting my singlehood saying that I must “still” be single because I haven’t done something enough and my homeboy Jim said, “Dude, you’ve already got your shit together.” Somehow I had forgotten that I had just finished a PH. FRIGGIN D.!!! And secured employment (with benefits) and housing in a FRIGGIN RECESSION no less!!! (Can I get an AMEN!) By the grace of God and a lot of hard work and sacrifice (in and outside of therapy, lol), I am where I am today and that is a successful place in most, if not all aspects of my life.
I’m good! All by myself! And although I am preparing to share this fabulousness with someone, I just think it’s dangerous to go into a relationship from a place of lack, thinking you are not whole unless and until you are with someone. I believe in being whole BEFORE you enter a relationship. I don’t want to raise anyone’s son but my own (metaphorically, of course, I mean I might adopt and I’m an educator for Pete’s sake, I help raise other people’s sons all the time, but you get catch my drift!) I need/require a whole man because I am a whole woman. Just as I don’t want to parent a man, I don’t expect to be parented by mine. My mother did a good job raising me, and I think I’ve done pretty well heeding God’s guidance since I left home for college at 18. I’m preparing for a man to be my compliment, not my completion. That’s what God is for. And that relationship is more important to me than any human one. But that’s another blog.
Other Internals (Like I said, I’m good, but I could be better, lol!)
-I’m working on quieting my inner critic. I can be really hard, sometimes too hard on myself.
-Staying present. Dwelling on the past or thinking too far ahead makes it easy for me to forget to enjoy the present (e.g. I do have my shit together right now!)
-Learning to appreciate life’s complexities and paradoxes. “All or nothing” is becoming less of a mantra for me. And I’m learning that I don’t have to get everything so “right” all the time.
“Work it Girl!” (External)
One of the external ways I am working on being a better single person is by taking better care of myself physically. I’m on a mission to drop my dissertation weight. Don’t let the “hate handles” (that term was coined by my girl LeighAnne and it CRAX me up everytime I think about it!!!) fool ya, I’m strong and healthy (Just yesterday I did standing head to knee pose & tree pose in Bikram yoga which are hard to even conceptualize let alone fathom doing in a room purposefully heated to 105 degrees!!!) but I’m also a realist. I want to have children naturally and at home (yup, I’m a bit of a hippie). Pregnancy after age 35 is considered “high risk” and since I’m 32, I’m MOS DEF looking at HR pregnancy because Mr. Dr. Lee has yet to knock on my door with my emerald engagement ring in a Lucida setting (Sorry, not a diamond girl but I do love Tiffany’s designs!!!!) Now, before I lose my BGC (Big Girl Card), let me reiterate that I am talking about ME, MARINI C. LEE. I won’t feel comfortable putting my children at any more risk than I think they would be if I weren’t as physically fit as I want to be when I am carrying and giving birth to them.
And no, I’m not trying to have no Kate Moss stick figa! I love my curvy shape!!! I love having junk in my trunk, and hips and so do the fools breaking their necks & giving me the thumbs up as I briskly sashay on my morning walks!!! For me, this is about health. The aesthetic stuff is bonus!
Other Externals I’m working on…
-Finances. I depleted my savings moving and had to unshackle the credit card demon. I want to get back to zero credit card debt and become a homeowner in the next year or two.
-Travel. Families may get pre-boarding but a window seat is PRICELESS!!! As much as I look forward to motherhood, I love that I can pick up and go ANYWHERE, ANYTIME I want to!!!
-Full Service Community Schools. This is my passion/calling/purpose. I’d like to see a CalvinKing Academy campus open its door to its first cohorts of students in 2020.
So, now that I’ve shared some ways I am being single, what about you? How are you single? Not how “should” you be as a single person, but how “are” you as a single person, right now? What do you do to affirm yourself as a single person? Is there anything you are doing that you think you might want/need to change?
