The pursuit of happiness...

After months on the job market, having NO luck and no prospects for work, I suddenly found myself considering two positions. One was with a foundation doing potentially great work in the city where I wanted to live. The other was in a city I had never really heard of, doing work I was trained to do but was unsure if that was what I wanted to do.

On paper, the job in the city was PERFECT! The organization was moving in a direction that I saw my career going long-term. I was more than qualified for the position. But they weren’t really actively looking for someone for the position. Because I wanted to be in the city so much and in this line of work, I pursued the job. I sent my vita and a FABULOUS cover letter. And waited. Patiently.

Now, the other job found me at a conference. I had applied to it months prior but had forgotten about it completely. I was sharing my dissertation work and the head of a search committee asked me if I was still interested in the position. I said yes because things were going slow with the other job and I was growing anxious about my employment prospects, or lack thereof. About a week after the conference, I was invited to interview. I was treated like a rock star during that interview. I instantly felt appreciated and valued as a young scholar. If you’ve never had someone pump their fist in the air and shout “YES!” in agreement to one of your answers, it’s a GREAT feeling, lol! I knew I was going to get an offer. But my heart was still set on the city.

When I was offered the job, I felt conflicted. I had no intention of staying in Michigan. My dissertation defense left me questioning if the academy was the place for me. (I did well but there was some boo boo in the game that I’m mostly over, lol!) I asked for and was given a few days to think.

I immediately contacted my dream city job prospect and inquired about the status of my application. I tried to convey that I was really interested in the position but that I was made an offer by the other job that I needed to respond to soon. Although they made it clear that they would not likely be able to give me a definite answer about who they wanted for the job, we made arrangements to meet. It was a long shot, but I had to give it a try. Right?

Now, my first scheduled phone interview for my dream city job was forgotten. Someone forgot to sync the calendars on their phone and computer. My second phone interview went well but I got a strange vibe from the person interviewing me. It was as if they felt obliged to consider me for the position because I was certainly qualified but just didn’t want me for whatever reason. And this feeling was palpable in the face-to-face interview. I strongly sensed that it was not going to be a good fit. Although on paper we both were stellar, we just weren’t a good match in real life.

I wasn’t even a block away from the interview when I called the job that wanted me and asked if the offer was still good. PRAISE GOD it was! And I couldn’t be happier.

Oddly enough, this situation parallels my experiences on the relationship front, somewhat. I have found myself drawn to men that look great on paper but in real life, for whatever reason, we weren’t a good match. Though I cannot say I have actively pursued any version of Mr. Perfect on Paper (MPP), I can say that there have been those (far too many) who I have invested time and energy into (even if only in thought) and there has been little to no reciprocity. This can be very confusing and emotionally draining, especially when like the dream city job, on paper, everything should line up. I began to wonder if “he” really existed. Are my standards unrealistic? Are they just plain wrong? What am I not enough of that is keeping MPP from treating me like the rock star that I am?!!

I’ve come to realize that sometimes, “Why?” is a moot question. I don’t know why the dream job in the city didn’t pan out. I do know that I could not be happier than I am now with the job that treated me (and still treats me) like a rock star. This job is restoring my faith in the academy. I’m being nurtured and cared for professionally and personally. No, it’s not perfect (neither am I) but this is a place where I can see myself growing.

So I don’t know why me and the many iterations of MPP didn’t pan out (or never get started, lol!). But I do know that Mr. Perfect for Marini will probably be like my current job. He likely won’t be what I had in mind. He will recognize me (for the rock star that I am) and make me an offer I cannot refuse.

I guess I’m just in a place right now where I have figured out one more thing that I am looking for/requiring in a relationship. I want to be wanted. Sounds simple, but for me, it’s rather profound. I’ve made a career out of waiting for MPPs to wake up and realize that I am as fabulous in real life as I look on paper. (My longest crush is going on 13 years, lol!) And I’m not talking about physical desire or being “chased” either. Neither of those are “bad,” in and of themselves. When I say “wanted,” I’m talking about recognizing, valuing and appreciating the woman I am working hard to be because I, now more than ever, recognize, value and appreciate the woman that I am working hard to be. THAT is why waiting for MPP to do so was toxic for me. I was asking “them” to do something I wasn’t doing for myself. And now that I think about it, that’s probably one of the main reasons why things never panned out. I guess “Why?” is not such a moot question after all.

Loneliness, a (very) short blog...

I’m feeling lonely.

The aforementioned admission is NOT to be mistaken for desperation or an inability to deal with being alone. I’ve been living by myself and enjoying it (for the most part) far for the past seven years (that’s most of my young adult life.) SO DO NOT GET ME WRONG!!!! I love my life!!! I love my freedom. I love my job/career. I love the condo I’m renting until I save to buy a house. I love how my body is healing itself through Bikram’s torture chamber. I love my king size bed. I love being able to go to the food museum a.k.a. Whole Foods, any time I want. I love my new church home & church family. I love that I live less than a mile from working farms and cornfield preserves!!! And I love that I live about 25 minutes from a REAL city!!!

I have so much that I love. I just want to (and am ready to) share it.

And I’m not one of those women who has to have a man to be okay (See “love” list above. I’m really more than okay). But to keep it one hunit (as the chilren say), I like (and miss) having a man around. I miss their smell, especially after they’ve moved something heavy, lol. I miss how they think differently than I do and do things differently than I do. I miss the simple (but not simplistic) thinking and the (seemingly) logical connection to action/fix it/do whatever it takes to make me feel better, lol (even when it’s not helpful! HA!) I like (and miss) being in a relationship and thinking about what I can do to help “we” be better.

Unlike other times I’ve felt lonely, I’m just going to allow myself to feel this feeling without judgment. No “make yourself busy” tactics to dodge the discomfort. On the other hand, I’m not going to wallow in this or even think about WHY I’m feeling this way. I’m just gonna feel it and let it pass. The Bikram yoga HELPS!!! If I can breathe through Camel Pose, I can deal with feeling lonely.

How To Be Single (This is NOT a Self Help Blog, I PROMISE!!)

“How To Be Single” by Liz Tuccillo is a really good book. It is NOT a self help book. It’s more like a literary spoof of Beyonce’s Single Ladies. When I read it, I could not stop laughing! But it also made me think about a very simple yet profound idea: being single means different things to different people.

At times, I felt that some of the characters in the book thought of their singlehood as a plague, a disease to be treated with obsessive, erratic and desperate behavior. Others treated it as an adventure, an opportunity to learn about themselves and what they did and did not want in a relationship. And in witnessing, and identifying with, and cracking up at the fictional misadventures of the women in the book, I discovered some things about my own approach to being single.

I can admit that, at times, I too treat(ed) my singlehood like a disease to be cured by everlasting love and companionship. I have flinched (and cried) at the statistics that say that I am unlikely to find a partner that is equally yoked and equally pigmented (LOL!). I too have joined my grandmother in praying for “him” to come along…

On the other hand, (thankfully the hand that has the upper hand most days, nowadays), I think of my singlehood as something kinda cool and special. In many ways, I view singlehood like grad school. Now I was already a skilled teacher when I entered grad school, but I went to learn to be a better teacher, to be a teacher educator. And so, for me, grad school was an intense time of learning and preparation. It was, at times painfully tortuous and tedious and socially BLAH!! But it was also a sheltered experience where I was safe to learn to appreciate the process of becoming and at times A LOT of FUN!!! Similarly, I see my singlehood as a sheltered time of learning and preparation and fun. I was/am already skilled at this here life thing and in relationships (romantic & otherwise) but I think I have some (more) growing to do in order to be the kind of woman, wife and mother I want to be. And in a future blog, I’ll discuss what I mean by that, but for the purposes of this entry, suffice it to say, I’m not talking about some Leave it to Beaver ish! I’m trying to be on that Michelle Obama, Clare Huxtable, Jada Pinkett Smith, Ruby Dee type ish, but like I said, that’s another blog…

But the point I think I was making, (lol!) was that I think “how” we are single has a significant impact on “how” we will (or do) function in a committed relationship. I think if you’re dysfunctional as a single person, you’re going to be dysfunctional in a relationship. If you a responsible single person who behaves with integrity, then I believe you are highly likely to function this way in a relationship. And so I’ve been thinking about what are the ways in which I am “right now” that are and are not helpful to my G.R.A.C.E. journey. Some of the ways I am single are internal, some are external. I’ll share two in detail and bullet some others.

Remembering Who I Am (Internal)

One day recently (hey I said I ain’t trippin MOST days, not ALL) I was lamenting my singlehood saying that I must “still” be single because I haven’t done something enough and my homeboy Jim said, “Dude, you’ve already got your shit together.” Somehow I had forgotten that I had just finished a PH. FRIGGIN D.!!! And secured employment (with benefits) and housing in a FRIGGIN RECESSION no less!!! (Can I get an AMEN!) By the grace of God and a lot of hard work and sacrifice (in and outside of therapy, lol), I am where I am today and that is a successful place in most, if not all aspects of my life.

I’m good! All by myself! And although I am preparing to share this fabulousness with someone, I just think it’s dangerous to go into a relationship from a place of lack, thinking you are not whole unless and until you are with someone. I believe in being whole BEFORE you enter a relationship. I don’t want to raise anyone’s son but my own (metaphorically, of course, I mean I might adopt and I’m an educator for Pete’s sake, I help raise other people’s sons all the time, but you get catch my drift!) I need/require a whole man because I am a whole woman. Just as I don’t want to parent a man, I don’t expect to be parented by mine. My mother did a good job raising me, and I think I’ve done pretty well heeding God’s guidance since I left home for college at 18. I’m preparing for a man to be my compliment, not my completion. That’s what God is for. And that relationship is more important to me than any human one. But that’s another blog.

Other Internals (Like I said, I’m good, but I could be better, lol!)

-I’m working on quieting my inner critic. I can be really hard, sometimes too hard on myself.

-Staying present. Dwelling on the past or thinking too far ahead makes it easy for me to forget to enjoy the present (e.g. I do have my shit together right now!)

-Learning to appreciate life’s complexities and paradoxes. “All or nothing” is becoming less of a mantra for me. And I’m learning that I don’t have to get everything so “right” all the time.

“Work it Girl!” (External)

One of the external ways I am working on being a better single person is by taking better care of myself physically. I’m on a mission to drop my dissertation weight. Don’t let the “hate handles” (that term was coined by my girl LeighAnne and it CRAX me up everytime I think about it!!!) fool ya, I’m strong and healthy (Just yesterday I did standing head to knee pose & tree pose in Bikram yoga which are hard to even conceptualize let alone fathom doing in a room purposefully heated to 105 degrees!!!) but I’m also a realist. I want to have children naturally and at home (yup, I’m a bit of a hippie). Pregnancy after age 35 is considered “high risk” and since I’m 32, I’m MOS DEF looking at HR pregnancy because Mr. Dr. Lee has yet to knock on my door with my emerald engagement ring in a Lucida setting (Sorry, not a diamond girl but I do love Tiffany’s designs!!!!) Now, before I lose my BGC (Big Girl Card), let me reiterate that I am talking about ME, MARINI C. LEE. I won’t feel comfortable putting my children at any more risk than I think they would be if I weren’t as physically fit as I want to be when I am carrying and giving birth to them.

And no, I’m not trying to have no Kate Moss stick figa! I love my curvy shape!!! I love having junk in my trunk, and hips and so do the fools breaking their necks & giving me the thumbs up as I briskly sashay on my morning walks!!! For me, this is about health. The aesthetic stuff is bonus!

Other Externals I’m working on…

-Finances. I depleted my savings moving and had to unshackle the credit card demon. I want to get back to zero credit card debt and become a homeowner in the next year or two.

-Travel. Families may get pre-boarding but a window seat is PRICELESS!!! As much as I look forward to motherhood, I love that I can pick up and go ANYWHERE, ANYTIME I want to!!!

-Full Service Community Schools. This is my passion/calling/purpose. I’d like to see a CalvinKing Academy campus open its door to its first cohorts of students in 2020.

So, now that I’ve shared some ways I am being single, what about you? How are you single? Not how “should” you be as a single person, but how “are” you as a single person, right now? What do you do to affirm yourself as a single person? Is there anything you are doing that you think you might want/need to change?

An Open Letter Still Unanswered

About four years ago, I wrote an open letter to "the next love of my life, whoever you are..."(see below) and to date it has yet to be answered. I think I'm supposed to be in a panic about that by now, seeing as how my biological clock is ticking and all. But strangely, I'm not. At least not today, lol.

One of my favorite gurus, Iyanla Vanzant, said in one of my favorite books (In The Meantime),"You will also be there [the meantime] for as long as it takes, not only for you to get ready, but for someone else to get ready. In other words, you may be ready, but your divine mate may not be ready. You may be healed of your insecurities, but your perfect partner may not be quite healed yet. You may have done all the forgiving you need to do, but the person you are waiting for may not have even begun to do forgiving and releasing work. Consequently, you will be in the meantime until the divine person you are preparing for is also prepared and ready for you. Do not be dismayed! This is a good thing! The meantime is protective as well as preparatory."

I must admit, when I first read this about five years ago, I thought, "Aw heckie naw! You mean to tell me that after ALL I'm doing/have done to heal and prepare, I still gotta wait cuz Mr. Right ain't got his ish togeva! WTF?!"

And now, five years later, as I have completed my doctorate and am beginning my career, naturally, I'm thinking about checking those other major things off my earthly "to do" list (e.g. G.R.A.C.E., marry a mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially healthy individual hopefully of the African American strictly heterosexual persuasion, have 5 or less but more than 2 children, build a and/or many comprehensive community schools with a residential component, retire on an organic farm in Arkansas or Louisiana, etc). And so while waiting for Mr. Dr. Lee ( You know I name everything and so until he manifests with his own dam name, he's MDL for now, lol) seems like it would send me over the edge, I know that waiting for him is all I really can do. And according to Iyanla (lol!), I can rest assured that I will be protected as I continue to prepare for "him" and "us."

Don't get it twisted though. This zen like patience is sometimes taken over by an "F' THIS!!!! I'm going to the nunnery!!!" pity party about once or twice a month. And if I'm really honest with myself, I wonder how long I'll be patient before I start taking matters into my own hands and start hittin up my ICE (In Case of Emergency) list. My ICE list consists of a few well-to-do brothas I am fortunate enough to call homies who I would love to have as baby daddies but not necessarily husbands. Strange, but true. I love my ICE dudes, but know them well enough to know "we" wouldn't work out.

But for now I'm still holding out for the whole enchilada. And for now, the open letter I wrote four years ago still stands...

Hey Love!

Like my favorite Sonia Sanchez haiku, "I await your touch, come magnify our smell, make of us a long journey." Baby, where are you at?! Sheesh! It's getting more and more difficult to be patient because I don't think I've ever been more ready for us than I am right now.

I'm ready to nurture and fight for our relationship using all the lessons I've learned from my (and your) past relationships. I'm ready to channel the pain I've survived into the success of our union. I'm ready to quit frontin' like these random acts of kindness and sexual independence are truly fulfilling. I'm ready to be vulnerable again in the hopes of building the trust, loyalty and honest communication that will sustain us for as long as we are together (which is forever, for now anyway…lol!). I'm ready to be your one and only supafreak. I'm ready to cut the bullshit and the games. I'm ready to negotiate all of that contemporary shit (i.e. re-evaluate gender roles, both of us doin our professional thang, etc.) as we figure out how much of that old fashion type love we want to keep in the mix (i.e. u mow the lawn & take out the garbage while I spend your money…lol…just kidding!)

I'm ready to let you into my heart, for real this time. I'm ready to let you see me as I really am, not perfect but always growing, learning, loving and determined to save as many Black babies as I can. Don't get me wrong, I AM the shiznit, but I'm ready to show you that I realize that I don't have to be everything to everybody all the time. I'm ready to admit that I can and do get weak and tired and frustrated and that I will need to lean on you when times get rough.

I'm ready to let you be a man and support you as you hold yourself accountable to the high standards of maturity, responsibility, humility, ambition and drive from which your rich life experiences have taught you. I am ready to be your refuge from this seemingly overwhelming anti-us world. I am ready to hold you up when this white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchy attempts to beat you down.

And now that you know I'm ready, I need to know if you're ready.

Are you? Are you ready baby? Are you ready for us?

Some time ago, I wrote you this for you:

I'm not that stubborn.

You forget that…

I believe in love.

I'll always believe in love.

I'll always believe in you…

whoever you are…

wherever you are…

whenever you are…

however you are…

forever you are…

mine.

This poem hangs on my wall waiting for you to claim it, me, us, and our future.

See you soon!

I love you!

~Marini

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating You...

Recently, a good (as in “sistahomegirlroaddawg”) friend shared “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating an Uppity Black Woman,” by Phillis Remastered. Identifying with much, though not all of Ms. Remastered’s reclamation of the term “uppity” and the so-called (and very real) dating woes of upwardly mobile, well educated Black women, I found The Guide to be insightful as well as HILARIOUS!!! For example, # 7 is my FAVORITE: “An Uppity Sister does not share a man. Enough said.” No long paragraph. That’s it. That’s all. I shared crayons when I was in Kindergarten and I consciously try to be as generous as I can be with my time, energy and money, but I be DAMNED if I’ma share a man!!!

Anyhoo, a critique I encountered from a friend of the male persuasion was that he didn’t appreciate the sista being uppity enough to tell someone how to date her. In fact, his gmail chat comment was, “see i really don't have a problem with women being uppity per say… i have a problem with women saying this is wut u gotta do to get one of us, u mean i gotta do something other than be intelligent, love God, and be confident in myself, cause if i do then its too much.”

I feel you, my lil brotha, to a certain extent. First, I think you read The Guide literally and it wasn’t intended to be read that way. But an author cannot control such things. So in response to your beef with Ms. Remastered, in my opinion, No, you shouldn’t have to be anything other than intelligent, love God, and be confident in yourself. However, I think you missed a(nother) key point. In the beginning of the blog, she defined who she was (very eloquently, I might add). And so, if that’s not the kind, and I mean the EXACT kind of woman you want to pursue (and from my interpretation of the blog, that kind of uppity sista requires some form of pursuit if you wanna be her man), then she wasn’t talking to you.

But I do think it's a good exercise for folks to articulate who they are as a (dating) person and reflect upon their expectations for a relationship. So, for shitz and giggles (and personal/collective insight), what are the top three things (literally or figuratively) that are included in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Dating You?...Not sistas/brothas like you...YOU, specifically, YOU!

Oh, alright, I’ll start…

#1 Integrity. Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Do the right thing, most of the time. And when you don’t, be man enough to say, “My bad. I’ll do better next time.” Be honest. With me and yourself.

#2 Humor. I truly believe that laughter is food for the soul. Life is too short not to smile and laugh at the tomfoolery that is prevalent amongst us. And one of the sexiest sounds to me in DA WHOLE WIDE WORLD is the sound of a man laughing. And if I made him laugh, LAWDHAMERCY!!! So, if you ain’t into laughing, then we ain’t gon make it boo, lol!

# 3 Support (without me having to ask). Leadership can be quite lonely! I have accepted that I am destined for and have been endowed to do great things. I need/require someone who can handle my shine and fan the flame when I’m feeling weary. If that means checkin me when I forget to count my blessings, then he needs to be able to do that with tenderness and respect so it doesn’t come across as condescension. If that means holding me at night while I cry because there is a kid I am just not able to save, then he needs to be able to do that too.

Your turn...

Introducing....G.R.A.C.E.

grace

--a noun

1.

elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.

2.

a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.

3.

favor or good will.

4.

a manifestation of favor, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.

5.

mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.

6.

favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.

7.

an allowance of time after a debt or bill has become payable granted to the debtor before suit can be brought against him or her or a penalty applied: The life insurance premium is due today, but we have 31 days' grace before the policy lapses. Compare grace period.

8.

Theology .

a.

the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God.

b.

the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

c.

a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces.

d.

Also called state of grace. the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect.

9.

moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

10.

a short prayer before or after a meal, in which a blessing is asked and thanks are given.

11.

( usually initial capital letter ) a formal title used in addressing or mentioning a duke, duchess, or archbishop, and formerly also a sovereign (usually prec. by your, his, etc.).

12.

Graces, Classical Mythology . the goddesses of beauty, daughters of Zeus and Eurynome, worshiped in Greece as the Charities and in Rome as the Gratiae.

13.

Music . grace note.

–verb (used with object)

14.

to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced the rooms of the house.

15.

to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.

What is G.R.A.C.E. ? Fundamentally, this blog/forum is a venue to think about and exchange ideas about Black heterosexual relationships, romantic mostly, but at times we’ll also get into, familial, platonic, & collegial relationships. Black, cuz I am, and heterosexual for the same reason. And I don’t feel like explaining that any further so I’m not going to, lol!

What I will elaborate on is that this is primarily for folks who are interested in talking about committed relationships!!! If you want to be a playa for life, that’s all good, but don’t be posted ish on my blog about how marriage is legalized prostitution just because it ain’t for you!!! If you plan to be single forever, more power to you!! But I don’t and this is my blog, so again, don’t be hatin’ on the institution I still believe in and value highly enough to devote a daggone blog to figuring how to prepare for one that won’t be dysfunctional!!! K?!! Moving right along…

As I think about my intentions and hopes for this blog and forum, I think the definition of grace from which this site will operate, aligns most closely with those offered by theologians: unmerited favor, mercy, the spirit of God operating in our human lives, a request for blessing and thanksgiving. I intend for this to be a place to ultimately celebrate and affirm the strength that black heterosexual relationships have sustained despite and in spite of our people’s troubled history (and present) in this country. I realize that we all come to the table with different ideas and experiences, so my hope is also for this to be a place of understanding, even if we don’t agree. I want this to be a place to seek and share insights, not to point fingers and/or attempt to figure out once and for all what’s “wrong” with women and men.

Why “grace” though? Well, anyone who knows me, knows that I name everything. And so, yes, I’ve already picked out a few names for the kids I intend to have. One, I know for sure, will be Grace. For now, Grace is a metaphor for all my hopes, dreams, wishes and intentions for my children, biological and otherwise. She is the child I have in mind when I am thinking of lessons to teach teachers how to create nurturing and emancipatory classrooms, especially for kids from urban areas. Grace is the child I’m planning to build a comprehensive community school for. She is the child I will one day be entrusted by God to nurture as my little (but significant) contribution to the human experiment.

So what does “Getting Ready for Affirmative Committed Emotional-peership” (had to hyphenate or it’d be, as Kyla aptly pointed out, GRACEP, and that’s just not as catchy and wrecks the whole flow like this long ass parenthetical qualifier)mean? Well, in my mind, in order for all of the aforementioned manifestations of “Grace” to come to fruition in my life, I got some soul searching and soul preparing to do. And, in part, that is what this is, well at least the blog part. So, I’ll begin each forum by sharing what I’m thinking about, working on, etc. My goal is to own my feelings, thoughts and actions and refrain from fingerpointing and overgeneralizing or asking “Why do all brothas..?” And I encourage you to do the same in your comments. This isn’t a pity party or even a “Why are you STILL single?” type of thing. It’s exactly what it says…getting ready for affirmative committed emotional-peership.

One other thing...this isn't just a a forum for, as Chris Rock calls us, the "single & LONELY," (LOL), I would LOVE for folks in HEALTHY committed relationships to chime in and give insights on what is working/has worked for them. K?

So, here we go…