Spiraling Up

I’ve been away from this blog for a while, but I promise, I haven’t been away from the process.  (see blog below, lol!)

One day, as I was filling up my water bottle in the changing room of my local bikram’s torture chamber, a fellow yogini asked me how I was doing.  I said I was doing well but that I felt like I was going through a strange season of things, people and situations coming back.  I shared that I was trying not to lament this feeing, but that I was starting to feel like maybe God/the universe was telling me that I hadn’t learned what I was supposed to the first time.  My yogini friend suggested that maybe it wasn’t a matter of not having learned the lesson but that I had learned the lesson and these are opportunities to prove that I had learned the lessons.  She affirmed that yes, things, people and situations do “come back,” life is cyclical, much like the rotation of planets, stars, etc.  However, (and here’s the spiritual zinger) she suggested I consider that I might be spiraling up.  I should consider that I am facing these people, places and things from a different, higher, more learned perspective than before/initially. 

Hmmmm. Spiraling up…Hmmmm.  So, these situations might be similar to those I have encountered in the past but since I AM different, they are different?  So, I DID learn the lessons?  I DID do what I was supposed to do?  Talk about EMPOWERING!!!

So, what’s this got to with my G.R.A.C.E. journey?  I’m still figuring that out, but on my walk with Murray today, I felt the urge to write “him” a poem.   And I was instructed NOT to do what I had done in similar situations, using or reworking a piece of writing I had done before like the times I sent two different guys (like a year apart) the same “I like you, do you like me” 4 page email, LOL!  Now that is an example of me NOT learning the lesson, doing the same thing expecting a different result.  And as fate would have it, they both responded similarly, (i.e. Thanks but no thanks). LMAO!

I was instructed to write “him” his own poem, giving him his own place in my mind and heart.   This connects to giving him his own chance, not holding the mistakes of others against him.  I surely don’t want him holding the mistakes of those (IDIOTS, lol) before me against me, so it’s only fair I extend the same courtesy.

So, this poem is reflective of my spiraling up.  The desire to write poetry is something (else) that has returned and while the method of expression might be one with which I am extremely familiar, this poem is different because I AM DIFFERENT. 

new poem

new view

new me

different you

are from them, the ones who I wrote (& gave my heart) to before

never admitting truth, always unsure

of their ability to handle me

to protect me, resurrect me

from the depths of my childhood despair.

Daddy died when I was not yet three

so abandonment issues are the roots of my insecurity,

my reluctance to believe,

my hesitation to receive

the grace and beauty that could be us.

But not any more, I ‘m ready to trust,

ready to let go,

ready to let God

lead me home to you, to me, to us/we

to two or three

little ones

little revolutions

powerful solutions

to big problems & situations,

our babies (re)building nations.

the possibilities are plentiful and endless

so I’m no longer willing to let my past mess

up this chance to engage in the cosmic dance

that we are, that we could be…

this new you

with a different me.