Happy Valentine's Day...Not Yet

Been away for a minute. Been doing some thinking/healing/growing/releasing. Fasted & prayed. Still praying. And now I’m dealing with the “Reality of Not Yet.”

After the 40 day corporate fast I did with my church, I really wanted to attend our first service after the end because I don’t want to lose the momentum just because the physical restrictions have been lifted (well most of them, I’m still staying away from white foods). We had a guest preacher and his topic was, “Not yet.” I IMMEDIATELY knew the message was for me, and I knew it had to do with my GRACE experience.

You see, I had been seeking God’s guidance on this whole preparation for marriage & motherhood thing, really trying to understand how much of what I want is socialization, how much of it is my deep desire and how much of what I want is even a part of my purpose in life. I’ve been questioning why I have been attracted to certain men, and trying to take responsibility for my actions/feelings…etc. Your standard basic soul searching.

And today, I realized that I was bargaining with God to a certain extent. Now, don’t get me wrong, you don’t just do a 40 day Daniel Fast for kicks. That’s some serious spiritual (and physical) work. My relationship with God has definitely been deepened as a direct result of the cleansing my mind and body (of 27lbs thank u very much!). But I’m also smart enough to know when I’m fooling myself. In a way, I was making a deal with God. I wanted my “reward” for sacrifice and obedience to be absolute clarity and immediate manifestation of the long-term relationship I desire.

When he didn’t show up Feb. 12, I was markedly disappointed. And then to hear that pastor preach, “Not Yet,” I almost lost it this morning. LOL. And truth be told, it’s only been a few hours, so I’m still digesting the message. But I get it. Not yet. SIGH. BIG SIGH. HUGE SIGH.

Sorry, this isn’t a pretty or deep blog post. I wish I could have popped back up after “all this time” with better news, but this ain’t the one. This one is about the “struggle” to keep on keeping on when you feel ready and God says, “Not yet.” I’m gonna try to not ask, “WELL WHEN?!” or “WHY NOT?!” or “SERIOUSLY?!!” lol. Well, I won’t ask after today.

Patience is a virtue.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.